John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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