He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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