You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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