I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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