I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
