the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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