woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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