My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize