Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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