if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
