Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
