Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
time to smoke my breakfast
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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