I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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