After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
