there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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