This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
