I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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