bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
