My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
