DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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