I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
