hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
