Did I show you my penis last night?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
