i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
