We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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