My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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