the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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