i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
