I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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