You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
