fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
