Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
