i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
