hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
