Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
