Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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