do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
being pregnant is like rehab
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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