You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
