Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
A bitchslap is in order.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
