i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
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