I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
