I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
