You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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