I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
