GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
