I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
