Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize