ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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