she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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