Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
