Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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