we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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