Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
