can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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