i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
