I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
These tits shall not be calmed
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
