Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
