somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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