just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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